On Feeling like Shit

I have been feeling like shit for the last few days. Even more so today. I think I have lost all the control over my ability to decide what I do these days. I just go with the flow for the whole day, doing what is in front of me.

The thing about feeling like shit is the fact that you are feeling like shit makes you feel shittier. A vicious cycle.

Sure, these are in no way the worst days. But there’s an unknown burden always lurking around. Burden of not doing things as planned. Or the burden of not having a plan at all. I want to put a routine into my life. But my sustained inability to do so is becoming burdensome now.

And yet, I don’t gauge the days by its productivity. Why should I? I don’t want to stitch a hyper-productive routine for myself. So, the lack of achievement in a day doesn’t bother me. I keep things simple – as long as I read some, write some and spend quality family time, I should be happy.

It’s painful when this uncomplicated happiness doesn’t feel enough.

I do all the simple things without overcomplicating the problem. But I am unable to stop myself from doing the inessential. Open the same news websites again and again. Scroll meaninglessly. Read something vain. Watch something hollow. Build checklists of tasks. Mindlessly tick them off.

Meaningless. One word for the feeling. Mindless. The another.

I don’t want to achieve a lot in a day. But I would love it to be meaningful. I want to do things consciously. Not do just those that are in front of me. Or are easy. Because easy leans towards absurd. Easy keeps me oblivious. Easy is hollow.

Easy makes me feel like shit.